Brow corrugated, biting down on his lower lip with the ferocity of a particularly brutal barracuda, Kwasi Kwarteng sat hunched on the government front bench.
The Chancellor was about to begin Treasury Questions, his first appearance in the Commons since all hell broke loose over his mini-Budget.
To say it had gone down badly around the House would be an understatement.I have seen bowls of three-day-old sprats consumed with greater relish.
How Mr Kwarteng wished he could be somewhere else. Anywhere in fact.
Being tied to the rickety wings of a Tiger Moth biplane as it embarked on a particularly perilous loop-the-loop might almost have been preferable.
First day back from recess always lends the opposition benches a slightly boisterous air.Yesterday even more so.
There appeared to be a collective hunger to watch Kwarteng squirm. Even the BBC had sent a political reporter along. All that aside, what would have set Kwasi’s nerves on edge just before kick-off was the perturbing sight of his troublesome colleague Michael Gove taking a seat on the backbenches with a rococo tweak of his trouser creases.
Kwasi Kwarteng was confronted by an angry House of Commons on the first day back from recess
Mr Gove had deliberately positioned himself in the far corner of the chamber, a spot where plotters traditionally scheme and mutiny flourishes.
He was flanked by Commons Treasury committee chairman Mel Stride and former Treasury minister John Glen. Firm Rishi Sunak supporters, FYI.
Gove did not heckle.Nor did he seek to gain the Speaker’s attention. Instead, he simply sat there pointedly fidgeting with his telephone, occasionally raising an eyebrow as though being alerted to a weapons-grade piece of gossip. After 20 minutes, he flounced out theatrically. Most odd.
Perhaps this was the Govester’s way of sending the Chancellor a message.
The severed horse’s head under the bedsheets.The garrotted family cat on the front doorstep.
Anyway, Treasury Questions. It actually turned out to be a rather limp affair. Opposition MPs tried to work themselves into a lather over the mini-budget but most of their remarks by now all felt like reheated potatoes.
Angela Eagle (Lab, Wallasey) shot Kwarteng an acidic stare and demanded he apologise.’Absolute chaos’ came the verdict from the SNP’s Treasury spokesman Alison Thewlis.
Stephen Flynn (SNP, Aberdeen S) said he couldn’t help admire ‘how quickly the government has managed to transform Downing Street from a nightclub to a casino’.Actually, that was quite witty. There were inevitable complaints about the decision to lift the cap on banker’s bonuses. Corbynista Marsha De Cordova (Lab, Battersea) unsurprisingly thought it a terrible idea.
Though I’m sure certain denizens of Battersea’s Thames-side mansions wouldn’t necessarily agree.
Shadow city minister Tulip Siddiq claimed she hadn’t found a single banker in the past few weeks who actually thought bringing back mega-bonuses was a good idea.
All I can say to that is she can’t have been looking hard enough.
Throughout this barrage of criticism, Kwarteng simply sat there twiddling a Biro and flicking the pages in his ring binder backwards and forwards at random.
The Chancellor ‘simply sat there twiddling a Biro and flicking the pages of his ring binder’ as he faced a barrage of criticism in the House of Commons
How he longed for the session to be over so he could escape back to the Treasury’s marbled hallways where the prospect of peace and a spot of afternoon tea beckoned.
Unfortunately, even Kwasi’s most potent admirers would struggle to say he thrives in the Commons.
He has a tendency to get flustered and stumble over his words.
His charms possibly play better in the City’s oak-panelled boardrooms – or indeed the salubrious Mayfair hotspots I’m told he sometimes frequents.
They’re certainly wasted on his opposite number Rachel Reeves, who furiously accused the Government of being in ‘a state of denial’ over the economy and demanded the government reverse the entire mini-Budget.
Which presumably means they’re now against the cut to the bottom rate of tax.
Miss Reeves grimaced and shook her head until her fringe tremored.
Oh dear.I fear all the sugared compliments in the world would struggle to sweeten Rachel’s granite-like façade.
